Jeffrey Morgenthaler

Hey Bartender

I have a question about this twisted industry you (we) are in. Right now I’m serving and bartending at an independent bar/restaurant and will work until about 1 or 2am every shift. It’s throwing the rest of my life out of wack.

How’s your social life been? I’m wondering what it’s going to be like for me in the long term, now that I anticipate serving or bartending for the next five years. Do you have enough time to hang out with friends? Can you keep a relationship going, working those kinds of hours?

I’m worried that things might not pick up.

Warren

Hey Warren

That’s a heavy question. To be honest with you, it’s not easy. My choice of careers has been responsible for the demise of several wonderful long-term relationships, and I chalk it up to one sad fact: I was never home.

Most people work from 8 to 5. I, like you, work from 4 in the afternoon until 1 or 2 in the morning. Since I tend to date women that are like most other people, with normal jobs and normal hours, that limits the time I can potentially spend with the one I love to lunches and Sundays. It’s not enough.

Sitting alone at home every Friday and Saturday night while your boyfriend/girlfriend is at work is a sad and lonely existence. Add to that the perception that we’re basically at a huge party every night, and you can see how the distance can kill a relationship.

As for friendships, it’s kind of the same thing.  Your friends are going to get tired of only being able to see you when you’re at work, and who can blame them?  Hanging out at the same bar night after night kinda sucks.

So what can you do? Well, here’s some advice:

1. Try dating someone in the industry. They work the same hours you do.  If you’re lucky enough to find someone with the same schedule, you’ve made it.  Just do yourself a favor and don’t fish off the company pier. You’ll most likely just end up hooking a shark and they will bite you.
2. Go to bed.  Really.  You don’t need to stay up every night until 5 or 6. Years ago I learned the joy of having a day.  I come home after work, get in bed, read for a bit, and sleep until 8.  I get outside, I surround myself with people who are also awake, and try to have a great day before I head in to a dark bar for eight hours.
3. Save your money.  I take a walk to the bank every morning and deposit my tips into the ATM.  It’s so easy to spend fifty bucks at a bar after work, especially when you walked with $150, but remember: that $50 could be your phone bill.  Grab a six-pack and go home.  You’ll thank yourself in less than a week’s time.
4. Do things that people with regular jobs do.  Go to the gym, take a walk, go jogging, call your friends, see a movie in a an actual theater (it’s cheaper during the day, too), read a book, join a club, or have lunch in a nice restaurant once a week.  You’re going to end up meeting people, it’s a side-effect.
5. Join a social networking site.  I know they’re stupid, but I get a kick from keeping in touch with my friends on MySpace.  Once a week or so, I’ll get a message from someone who I haven’t talked to in a long time, and it brightens my day.

Warren, the most important thing you can remember is this: either you get on top of this business, or it gets on top of you.  I’ve seen a lot of people fade away from working all night and partying until the wee hours of the morning.  They do too many drugs, they drink every night, and they spend all of their hard-earned money after work.  It’s sad, but it can be avoided really easily.  Remember, it’s only a job, but it comes with some odd hours.  Keep your head about you and you’ll be just fine.
Good luck.

If a man gives a round of applause when someone breaks a glass in a bar or restaurant, he’s a douchebag.

Hey Bartender,

I’m a fine art student who draws paints, does flash work, and have done print work. But I’m unemployed for the moment and thinking about bartending school as an alternative job till i get another graphic/web design position, I know bartending school isn’t a job but possibly a means to the end of being a bartender.

What do you think of the schools that are 40 hours and if it might be a reasonable investment?

Thanks

Zach in St. Louis

Hey Zach

I’m not a huge fan of bartending schools, and it’s not only because they make you believe that you’re learning valuable information as they cram 500 useless drink recipes into your brain. What I don’t like about bartending schools is that they make you think you’re actually going to find a job.

Sure, a bartending school is going to give you a bookful of recipes, and some resume-writing tips, and some of the bigger schools might even have some connections around town that will post job openings on their bulletin board. But here’s what they’re not telling you:

No professional bar manager is going to hire someone as a bartender straight out of school.

Sorry, kids, but it’s true. You don’t become a doctor, lawyer, or architect straight out of school, and the same goes for bartending. It takes training, time, and working your way up the ladder in order to be running the show on a Friday night.

If you’re not a complete idiot, you can get a job in a bar with no experience, and for half the cost of a bartending “school”. And I’m going to show you how.

Let’s say that a typical bartending course is forty hours long and costs $500, yet doesn’t get you a job. I’m going to bet that you can get a job for the same money or less in the same forty hours. Here’s what you do:

1. Pick your target wisely, Daniel-San. First, find a bar that you’d like to work in. To make things easy on yourself, make it a local bar and not a big chain. The bar you choose is going to be your target, and you’re going to slide on in before they know what happened.

Find out as much as you can about the establishment. Does it have staff turnover? If you picked my bar, you’d be out of luck – there are only two of us, and one of us is going to have to die in order for a shift to open up. That’s not the type of place you’re looking for. Conversely, there’s a bar in town that has an entirely new staff every six weeks – that’s probably not going to be a good job either, as the owners are obviously psychotic.

Pick a bar that’s staffed with people in your own demographic. If it’s staffed entirely by old ladies, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree as a 22 year-old guy. Look for a place that you’d fit in nicely.

2. Make The First Strike. Now it’s time to visit your target. Go in to the bar and have a drink. Alone. And bring a book. Timing is critical here. Nobody wants to talk to you on a Friday or Saturday night. Go in at night, when the decision-makers are likely to be working, and go in on a slow night. Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays are great times to hit your target.

Sit at the bar, preferably at one end, and order a beer. Yes, a beer. Don’t order a Lemon Drop, Mai Tai, or Long Island Iced Tea. You’re not here to get drunk, you’re here to have a drink and make an impression. Be polite, say please and thank you, offer to pay for the drink rather than running a tab, and tip appropriately. A dollar isn’t going to get you noticed, but a ten-spot is going to make you look like you want something. Leave your bartender three dollars for that beer. It’s a signal, and the bartender is going to assume you’re in the industry.

Now it’s time to thumb through your book. Remember, you’re not here to get drunk, you’re here to make an impression. With that three-dollar tip, you’re sitting pretty, and the bartender is probably going to pay attention to you. Be friendly, smile, and turn on the charm. Complement the bar.

Have another beer. Over-tip again. Ask the bartender, who is obviously taken by your charm and grace, his or her name. Get them to remember your name. Ask when they’ll be working again, and then leave.

3. Back Again? Repeat step two. This time, you’re going to already be in the bartender’s good graces. Repeat all of the steps exactly as you did the last time. By the end of your visit, your bartender is going to be dying to know who you are. He or she will probably ask what you do for a living. Tell them what you do, but keep it at that. Be polite and be sober. Ask your bartender what other places in town he/she would recommend that are similar. Make a note and visit those places as well. Ask questions. Seem interested.

Leave.

4. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. By now, your bartender is going to be thrilled to see you walking through the door. Do everything as you’ve done it before. Order a beer (by now your bartender probably knows what you’re having), tip well, and talk politely. Do this again and again. You’re going to encounter other staff members, and soon the whole establishment will know who you are. Above all, be polite to everyone. You’ve been noticed, and the staff is happy to have you around.

5. Drop The Bomb Now that you’ve insinuated yourself into the establishment, it’s time to let everyone know that you’re looking for a job, and that this is just the kind of place you’d love to work. How do you do that? You work it into casual conversation with your bartender. Don’t tell the door guy, or the cocktail waitress, or the manager. Tell your bartender, almost confidentially, that you have no experience, you want to learn the ropes, and that you’ve always wanted to be a barback. Yes, a barback.

Ask the bartender if they know anything open around town and keep your options open. You might not land a job here, but there might be another place that you can get your foot in the door. Ask around, and make sure you’ve been doing this same thing in some of the other bars your bartender mentioned in Step Two above.

6. Weaseling is What Separates Us From the Animals… Except the Weasel. Keep this up around town until you land a barbacking job. It might take a while, but something’s going to open up and you’re going to be the one who gets in there first. Why? Because everyone around town likes you by now. They know you’re looking, they know you’re a really great person, and you’re going to be the first one they think of then a job comes available.

Be persistent.

7. Be Strong. Like Bull. Congratulations, it’s your first night on the job. You’ve got a try-out as a barback at one of the bars you selected, and now it’s time to show them that you’ve got what it takes. Show up early, never on time, and don’t even think about being late. Work hard, speak little, move quickly, and don’t complain, not once. This is what we’re all looking for in a barback, so be that person. You’ll get the job, trust me.

8. Know the Ropes. Now that you’re everyone’s favorite barback, and you’re working hard, never complaining, and never late, you’re going to use this time to get to know every single thing you can about the job. Ask questions. Be interested. Offer help. Because soon, you’re going to be offered a shift of your own.

Now, it might take weeks or even months, but you’re working behind a bar already, so be patient and suck it up. You’re getting a better education than you’re going to get in any bartending school, and they’re paying you to do it.

By now, you’ve probably already paid for the beers you drank a few weeks ago when you were scouting for targets. Relax!

9. Bite the Bullet. You’re going to be offered a shift of your own, but you’re not going to like it. In fact, you’re going to hate it. Why? Because it’s going to be the Tuesday day shift. Take it. I worked mornings and happy hours for years before I moved up to Friday and Saturday nights. Take the shift, but try to hang on to your late-night barbacking shifts. Remember, you’re still at the bottom of the ladder, so nothing is beneath you. Work whatever shifts they throw at you, and do the best possible job you can. Remember, you’re making money.

10. Who’s Laughing Now? Congratulations, you’ve just been offered a night shift. It’s a Monday, and it’s slow, but there is that one group that always comes in, so you’re guaranteed a few dollars. Suck it up, take the job, and do the best possible job that you can.

Hey, guess what? You’re a bartender. I’ll have a beer, please.

Well, the troops came out for Repeal Day here in Eugene. We started the night off at Luckey’s Cigar Bar, which opened its doors in 1911! Young barmeister Jon Wilson set us up with some good old-fashioned whiskey in a glass and a beer to wash it all down. Yum!

Here’s the lineup of hooligans at the bar. Scott got the night off work so that we could both be out at the same time – a rare occurrence to be sure!

Then it was off to the venerable Max’s Tavern, which opened in 1933. Repeal Year! The crowd was lively, and Chase and Kim kept the atmosphere energetic with trivia, including a question about Repeal Day!

We met up with Carla and Jeff at Max’s, and our group’s numbers began to swell. Then, as things were starting to get a little foggy, we made a last stop at Rennie’s Landing for a round (or two…) of shots outside on the fireplace-lit patio.

Thanks to everyone who came out, the bartenders who put up with us, and all of you, the readers!

Ouch. Maybe we can get Alka-Seltzer to take out an ad next year…

A couple comes in to the bar last week. He’s intelligent-looking, with stylish glasses and salt-and-peppered hair, and nicely dressed. She’s a vision of adorableness: petite, with innocent eyes, a gorgeous smile, and the body of an angel. They grab a table in the bar and sit on the same side of it together, all cute-like. They hold hands and whisper in each other’s ear as they sip their cocktails.

Ordinarily these two would be any bartender’s ideal customers. They’re polite, they’re tipping, and they seem to be low-maintenance. But I know something you don’t know: These people are fucking psychotic.

They come in once a month, just rarely enough for me to remember them. And I always forget, it’s terrible. I forget, and since all I remember is their nice, friendly faces, I’m almost happy to see them. That all changes when I walk over to their table to clear their fourth round.

And it hits me: Holy shit, are these people are in the middle of the most mentally abusive breakup ever? Did I just overhear him call her the c-word? Did she just tell him that she screwed his best friend? Oh my God, is he crying? What the fuck?!

It happens every time. They break up every time they come in to my bar. Every. Single. Time. And every time, he leaves. He pays the bill and storms out, leaving her a husk, a shell, whimpering at the table. It’s the saddest thing you’ve ever seen, until you see what happens next.

She goes into the bathroom, and when she comes out, she’s happier than you’ve ever seen her before. She sits down with a group of business guys and chats them up. They buy her a drink and ask her if she’s okay. She tells her psychotic story, that he’s a jerk, that she gave back his engagement ring tonight, and so on. I don’t know who to feel sorry for, him or her. But he’s gone, and she’s sitting here, so I guess I’m feeling a little sorry for her, even though I know she’s completely insane.

I make sure to keep one eye out for her safety as I do my side work behind the bar, but she doesn’t need my help – the men slowly slide away as they come to the same realization. She then turns her attention to me, tells me the same story I’ve heard countless times before, and the next thing you know I’m putting her in a cab and slipping the driver twenty bucks to make sure she gets home safely.

They’ll be back in about six weeks and we’ll go through all of this again. Ain’t love grand?

Whew, it’s been a long month! Are you guys ready for Repeal Day? I’m certainly ready to celebrate after all of the recent hard work. We’ll be out toasting the town and educating the masses tonight, so I’ll be sure to take the camera along and post pictures upon my hazy return home.

Thanks again to all of you out there who got on the bandwagon and helped me spread the word about this. Celebrate in style tonight, but please be careful and make sure you have a designated driver. I want to make sure you’re all around for the 75th anniversary of Repeal Day in two years, okay?

Okay, so I’ve been pressured into offering this stuff (well, there’s only one shirt for now – CafePress kinda sucks) so I’m doing it. I don’t even know if you’ll be able to get this shirt before Repeal Day, but it’s worth a shot. I just bought myself a navy blue one. I like the white text.

Here’s the link to the CafePress store.

I do want to mention that I haven’t marked this t-shirt up one cent, so I’m not making any money off this. Zilch. Not a dime. I wouldn’t try to get rich off the Twenty-First amendment, I just want to advertise it on your chest. So it may seem a little spendy, but I’m paying exactly what you’re paying – CafePress gets all the money. And my navy blue model is on its way here.