An Open Letter to Grey Goose Vodka
Thursday, October 25th, 2007
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Dear Grey Goose vodka;
It has come to my attention, during many incidents over the course of several years, that your wonderful product is determined to kill me. I am not referring to the ubiquitous hangover that so many of my clients have endured as a result of partaking in your fine product, but rather something more sinister.
Certainly we are all aware of the internal damage that can be attributed to years of enjoyment of Grey Goose vodka; I will not dwell on such trivial matters here. I am of course referring to the razor-sharp, serrated, metal enclosures that your company currently uses to seal the product contained within your fashionably-slender frosted bottle.
After opening the first three layers of my hand while opening a bottle of Grey Goose vodka recently, I have decided to appeal to your fine company on behalf of bartenders everywhere. For the nineteenth time this year, I was relegated to bartending with my left hand last Friday night, as my right hand (I am currently right-handed) spent close to an hour in the bivouac of my pants pocket, bleeding my precious life’s blood into a bed of cocktail napkins.
In economical terms, losing the ability to use my right hand meant that I had 50% of my ability to pour your fine product for my customers. Furthermore, my reluctance to recommend your fine product for personal safety concerns resulted in even lower sales. Of your fine product.
While the occasional home user may understand my frustration, it is professional bartenders, with their wet, shriveled, and therefore vulnerable hands that are most susceptible to losing a pint of plasma every eighteen drinks as a result of your product. And if I am not mistaken, Grey Goose, it is placement in bars that helps drive your sales in the home market.
So, please, Grey Goose, if you value your market share - and the manual dexterity of bartenders everywhere - please work to develop a less violent enclosure for your product. Your consideration in this matter is appreciated by myself and my colleagues.
Thank you,
Jeffrey Morgenthaler
26 Oct 2007 at 4:11 am 1. Darcy
Good letter. I know the Grey Goose cap seal has ripped apart my fingers a few times. I think it is because of Grey Goose that I turned part of my bar kit bag into a first aid kit.
Liquid Bandaid does wonders, plus it won’t slip off your wet fingers into the ice bin or someones drink.
26 Oct 2007 at 6:50 am 2. Rick
I’ve experienced this medieval torture with the Bacardi 8 bottle as well.
26 Oct 2007 at 7:30 am 3. Scottes
Sometimes I wonder if these companies ever try their products before shipping them. I’ve run into many odd bottles of rum - sometimes they’re not easily poured, sometimes the caps always crack, sometimes they have little inserts that just won’t allow the spirit out of the bottle. Please! Try your product before shipping it out!
26 Oct 2007 at 8:06 am 4. Jimmy
Good post! I have run into many bad bottles, but the Goose takes the cake. That pointy little thing where you start ripping the foil off cuts my finger UNDERNEATH my fingernail every time. Maybe I should learn and just not open the next one?
26 Oct 2007 at 10:37 am 5. Keith
I’ve found that the metal seals on some bottles can just be pulled straight off the top of the bottle. I do this with most wine bottles, but even scotch or whisky bottles work. Sometimes the cork will come with it, but it’s much easier (and less injury prone) to pull the excess metal off just the cork. I really don’t enjoy vodka, so I can’t vouch for the ability to do that with a Grey Goose bottle.
26 Oct 2007 at 3:57 pm 6. Dominik MJ
The procedure, what Keith just commented is working with Grey Goose as well (it is more difficult as it is a bit of a show of strength…) - however you don’t even need to get the cork out of the cap - because you still have the old cork of the old bottle, right?
I am also sometimes annoyed by the packaging design (e.g. I normally pull of directly all caps - but sometimes there is paper which is glued over the cap - so the new bottle looks directly like crap; or the plastic “pour sprouts” on many bottles (Bols) which you first have to remove, before you can use a normal pourer; several years ago I hurt myself, while removing one of this caps with a knife - so I had to go to hospital…).
Why don’t you file a suit?
Cheers!
Dominik MJ
26 Oct 2007 at 7:16 pm 7. dclark
sorry ’bout your hand, maybe this story will cheer you up!
http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/wayoflife/10/26/mf.drinking.storries/index.html
28 Oct 2007 at 12:16 am 8. sarah
TOTALLY! Whenever i make it past the wine foil with no injury the Grey Goose is there to humble my poor hand. thanks for pointing it out maybe we should get a petition?
28 Oct 2007 at 11:38 am 9. Steve the Liquor Store Guy
I’m too poor to have much experience with Grey Goose, but even I know about the hazards involved with opening that bottle.
Is there any real benefit to using a cork with top-shelf vodka? Or is it just a superficial way to make your bottle look fancier?
29 Oct 2007 at 12:03 am 10. david shenaut
Thank you for speaking on this subject. When pouring vodka it seems that speed is the formost concern of my client(who prefers a low cal-tasteless spirit). My hands have been greatly mis-treated by the goose. Therefore, I’ll often offer the super premium with the screw top knowing that the goose is getting low.
29 Oct 2007 at 12:28 am 11. Jamie Boudreau
I’m with Keith. ALL spirit bottles and wine by the glass bottles get the ultra-quick heave-ho without having to deal with cut hands.
But, please, sue the Goose, for making a product as painful to get at as to drink.
29 Oct 2007 at 12:41 am 12. Jeffrey Morgenthaler
I also practice the ultra-quick heave-ho on all liquor bottles and wines by the glass, but every once in a while I’ll come across a stubborn specimen and have to resort to more traditional methods.
Other bottles you love to hate, folks?
29 Oct 2007 at 5:19 pm 13. Booze Dummy
Patron. I hate that squat little square bottle that is twice as thick as it needs to be. It nearly takes two hands to pour the damn thing and when close to full, 6 ounces seems to end up all over the bar instead of the glass.
29 Oct 2007 at 6:21 pm 14. Jeffrey Morgenthaler
True, and you can’t get a speed-pourer into a Patron bottle without leakage.
One of my personal pet peeves is cheap metal twist-off caps whose threads strip, leaving me to break out some sort of knife and cut the whole damn thing off.
Also, Hendricks gin, while packaged in a lovely bottle, has such a small neck that it is nearly impossible to retrieve my metal speed pourers from a spent bottle.
30 Oct 2007 at 11:36 am 15. Booze Dummy
How about Galliano? Now there’s a real treat. Not only is it delicious, but it’s packaged in such a convenient bottle. Any bottle 3 frikkin’ feet tall fits so well on my shelves…
But, we can’t NOT stock it, because without that wonderful elixir, cocktail masterpieces like the Baywatch, Freddy Fudpucker, Dirty Orgasm, Italian Screw, Urine Sample, and the Virulent Death (all taken from WebTender) would be impossible to create.
Do I sound a little bitter???
30 Oct 2007 at 11:41 am 16. Jeffrey Morgenthaler
Before someone jumps on this, Booze Dummy, I’ll point out that Galliano does come in relatively-convenient 375 mL bottles that should fit on your shelf.
My only problem with Galliano is that by the time you’ve finished a bottle, the pour spout has been cemented to the glass by a thick, yellow epoxy that requires placing the whole contraption in the dishwasher in order to remove it!
30 Oct 2007 at 12:18 pm 17. Smach
Maker’s Mark. I hate using my teeth to open a bottle. Whaddayagonnado?
02 Nov 2007 at 8:48 am 18. Dr. Bamboo
It’s stories like this that remind me why I drink gin.
09 Nov 2007 at 10:57 am 19. cristina
We take off the foil completley with a wine key prior to the when we open. Those silly boys I work with make balls out of the foil to hurl at one another. Ouch!
13 Nov 2007 at 7:45 pm 20. Darryl
I don’t like all the sugar that gathers under the cap of the Cointreau bottle. But other than that, no metal seal horror stories of my own yet.
On the other side of the coin, how about GOOD bottle/cap design? I like Absolut’s cap the best. It feels thick and hefty. It screws easily. There’s no damn sealant glue or metallic wrap or cork. As for bottle design, I think few can beat Skyy vodka for pure pretty.
20 Nov 2007 at 3:48 pm 21. Sven-Olaf Hansen
Dear Jeffrey
Many thanks to you and your colleagues for bringing to our attention your experiences removing the foil cap and cork on bottles of Grey Goose vodka.
Please be assured that we value all feedback such as yours and I am very pleased to advise you that with immediate effect we have taken two steps to improve the quality of the foil cap on 750ml and 1 litre bottles. Firstly, we have increased the width of the tear-band itself to make removal easier and secondly we have lowered the position of the tear-band to reduce the risk of cut fingers on the foil when removing the cork. We are also currently looking into the feasibility of rounding off the lead edge of the tear-band to reduce the risk of the foil cutting under the fingernail.
I hope that these actions help to reassure you that we are continually looking at ways in which we can improve the design of our bottle and foil cap and will continue to do so.
Many thanks for all your support and I hope that with these new improvements you will continue to recommend Grey Goose to your customers now and in the future.
Many thanks
Sven-Olaf Hansen
Global Brand Director
Grey Goose vodka