Jeffrey Morgenthaler

Hey Bartender,

I’m a fine art student who draws paints, does flash work, and have done print work. But I’m unemployed for the moment and thinking about bartending school as an alternative job till i get another graphic/web design position, I know bartending school isn’t a job but possibly a means to the end of being a bartender.

What do you think of the schools that are 40 hours and if it might be a reasonable investment?

Thanks

Zach in St. Louis

Hey Zach

I’m not a huge fan of bartending schools, and it’s not only because they make you believe that you’re learning valuable information as they cram 500 useless drink recipes into your brain. What I don’t like about bartending schools is that they make you think you’re actually going to find a job.

Sure, a bartending school is going to give you a bookful of recipes, and some resume-writing tips, and some of the bigger schools might even have some connections around town that will post job openings on their bulletin board. But here’s what they’re not telling you:

No professional bar manager is going to hire someone as a bartender straight out of school.

Sorry, kids, but it’s true. You don’t become a doctor, lawyer, or architect straight out of school, and the same goes for bartending. It takes training, time, and working your way up the ladder in order to be running the show on a Friday night.

If you’re not a complete idiot, you can get a job in a bar with no experience, and for half the cost of a bartending “school”. And I’m going to show you how.

Let’s say that a typical bartending course is forty hours long and costs $500, yet doesn’t get you a job. I’m going to bet that you can get a job for the same money or less in the same forty hours. Here’s what you do:

1. Pick your target wisely, Daniel-San. First, find a bar that you’d like to work in. To make things easy on yourself, make it a local bar and not a big chain. The bar you choose is going to be your target, and you’re going to slide on in before they know what happened.

Find out as much as you can about the establishment. Does it have staff turnover? If you picked my bar, you’d be out of luck - there are only two of us, and one of us is going to have to die in order for a shift to open up. That’s not the type of place you’re looking for. Conversely, there’s a bar in town that has an entirely new staff every six weeks - that’s probably not going to be a good job either, as the owners are obviously psychotic.

Pick a bar that’s staffed with people in your own demographic. If it’s staffed entirely by old ladies, you’re probably barking up the wrong tree as a 22 year-old guy. Look for a place that you’d fit in nicely.

2. Make The First Strike. Now it’s time to visit your target. Go in to the bar and have a drink. Alone. And bring a book. Timing is critical here. Nobody wants to talk to you on a Friday or Saturday night. Go in at night, when the decision-makers are likely to be working, and go in on a slow night. Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays are great times to hit your target.

Sit at the bar, preferably at one end, and order a beer. Yes, a beer. Don’t order a Lemon Drop, Mai Tai, or Long Island Iced Tea. You’re not here to get drunk, you’re here to have a drink and make an impression. Be polite, say please and thank you, offer to pay for the drink rather than running a tab, and tip appropriately. A dollar isn’t going to get you noticed, but a ten-spot is going to make you look like you want something. Leave your bartender three dollars for that beer. It’s a signal, and the bartender is going to assume you’re in the industry.

Now it’s time to thumb through your book. Remember, you’re not here to get drunk, you’re here to make an impression. With that three-dollar tip, you’re sitting pretty, and the bartender is probably going to pay attention to you. Be friendly, smile, and turn on the charm. Complement the bar.

Have another beer. Over-tip again. Ask the bartender, who is obviously taken by your charm and grace, his or her name. Get them to remember your name. Ask when they’ll be working again, and then leave.

3. Back Again? Repeat step two. This time, you’re going to already be in the bartender’s good graces. Repeat all of the steps exactly as you did the last time. By the end of your visit, your bartender is going to be dying to know who you are. He or she will probably ask what you do for a living. Tell them what you do, but keep it at that. Be polite and be sober. Ask your bartender what other places in town he/she would recommend that are similar. Make a note and visit those places as well. Ask questions. Seem interested.

Leave.

4. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. By now, your bartender is going to be thrilled to see you walking through the door. Do everything as you’ve done it before. Order a beer (by now your bartender probably knows what you’re having), tip well, and talk politely. Do this again and again. You’re going to encounter other staff members, and soon the whole establishment will know who you are. Above all, be polite to everyone. You’ve been noticed, and the staff is happy to have you around.

5. Drop The Bomb Now that you’ve insinuated yourself into the establishment, it’s time to let everyone know that you’re looking for a job, and that this is just the kind of place you’d love to work. How do you do that? You work it into casual conversation with your bartender. Don’t tell the door guy, or the cocktail waitress, or the manager. Tell your bartender, almost confidentially, that you have no experience, you want to learn the ropes, and that you’ve always wanted to be a barback. Yes, a barback.

Ask the bartender if they know anything open around town and keep your options open. You might not land a job here, but there might be another place that you can get your foot in the door. Ask around, and make sure you’ve been doing this same thing in some of the other bars your bartender mentioned in Step Two above.

6. Weaseling is What Separates Us From the Animals… Except the Weasel. Keep this up around town until you land a barbacking job. It might take a while, but something’s going to open up and you’re going to be the one who gets in there first. Why? Because everyone around town likes you by now. They know you’re looking, they know you’re a really great person, and you’re going to be the first one they think of then a job comes available.

Be persistent.

7. Be Strong. Like Bull. Congratulations, it’s your first night on the job. You’ve got a try-out as a barback at one of the bars you selected, and now it’s time to show them that you’ve got what it takes. Show up early, never on time, and don’t even think about being late. Work hard, speak little, move quickly, and don’t complain, not once. This is what we’re all looking for in a barback, so be that person. You’ll get the job, trust me.

8. Know the Ropes. Now that you’re everyone’s favorite barback, and you’re working hard, never complaining, and never late, you’re going to use this time to get to know every single thing you can about the job. Ask questions. Be interested. Offer help. Because soon, you’re going to be offered a shift of your own.

Now, it might take weeks or even months, but you’re working behind a bar already, so be patient and suck it up. You’re getting a better education than you’re going to get in any bartending school, and they’re paying you to do it.

By now, you’ve probably already paid for the beers you drank a few weeks ago when you were scouting for targets. Relax!

9. Bite the Bullet. You’re going to be offered a shift of your own, but you’re not going to like it. In fact, you’re going to hate it. Why? Because it’s going to be the Tuesday day shift. Take it. I worked mornings and happy hours for years before I moved up to Friday and Saturday nights. Take the shift, but try to hang on to your late-night barbacking shifts. Remember, you’re still at the bottom of the ladder, so nothing is beneath you. Work whatever shifts they throw at you, and do the best possible job you can. Remember, you’re making money.

10. Who’s Laughing Now? Congratulations, you’ve just been offered a night shift. It’s a Monday, and it’s slow, but there is that one group that always comes in, so you’re guaranteed a few dollars. Suck it up, take the job, and do the best possible job that you can.

Hey, guess what? You’re a bartender. I’ll have a beer, please.

Hey Bartender

I was wondering if you know anything about the myth (or not) that if you drink too much gin, you could go blind? Thanks!

Ashley

Hey Ashley

It’s - kinda - a myth. But not entirely.

Let’s start at the very beginning. There are basically two types of alcohol: ethanol and methanol (ethyl alcohol and methyl alcohol). Ethanol is what you’ll find in your bottle of Maker’s Mark, methanol is an industrial solvent. Ethanol is drinkable, methanol is not.

During Prohibition, liquor bootlegging was common, but government oversight into the production methods was not. Things can get pretty scary when you’ve got people making drugs in their bathtubs.

So, as with most unscrupulous drug production, the good stuff was often cut with the bad stuff. It’s cheaper to make. And what happens to you if you drink the bad stuff? Well, let’s Ask a Scientist:

Methyl alcohol is highly toxic. Ingestion, or exposition to vapors of even small quantities of methyl alcohol can cause blindness.

There you have it. If that’s not a great reason to celebrate the repeal of Prohibition, then I don’t know what is.

Hey Bartender

As a novice bartender I find that martini etiquette can be quite confusing, perhaps because the traditional martini and the present-day fad are different. I understand not shaking clear martinis, and I also do not add vermouth to vodka. I suppose I would like to hear your take on what to shake, and how to interpret customers. Also, do you shake Manhattans or stir them? From your article I was not sure of your take on them…

Thanks,
Hillary

Hey Hillary

The rule is that clear drinks should never be shaken - the thinking here is that since a clear drink is made from such delicate ingredients (traditionally aromatic liquors such as gins, fortified wines such as vermouths, aromatic bitters, etc.), the additional water that comes from shaking a drink would be an unwelcome component. And that definitely goes for the Manhattan as well.

I’m sure you know that using a chilled glass is going to keep the drink colder for longer (there’s nothing quite like pouring a cold drink in a warm glass), but the choice of container you use to mix the drink is just as important. Make sure to use a metal cocktail shaker rather than a glass, as metal is a better conductor of heat than glass is, and therefore draws heats from its surface and chills your drink better. Silver will get a drink colder than stainless steel will, and glass just acts as an insulator. The bummer is that silver shakers are difficult to come by these days.

As an aside, please note that it’s not possible to “bruise” gin. This is just a bullshit myth perpetuated by Martini “connoisseurs” who want to impress you with their “knowledge” and “sophistication”. It’s a meaningless term, trust me. However, they’re right about not shaking a martini - they just don’t get why.

As far as proportions are concerned, I personally love the flavor of vermouth. I know that’s not really a popular sentiment these days, but I’ve found that most martini drinkers have confused a hatred of vermouth for sophistication. Vermouth is a wonderful thing (sweet vermouth: oh-my-god), especially when we’re talking about high-quality vermouths. I tend to make my Martinis with less vermouth than I do my Manhattans: 4-to-1 gin to vermouth for a Martini, and 3-to-1 vermouth to bourbon/rye for a Manhattan.

It is impossible to guess a customer’s preference for gin versus vodka, vermouth versus none, bitters versus none, etc., so I recommend asking what your customer wants in their cocktail to ensure you give them the exact drink they’re looking for.

Even if it is a shaken vodka “martini” with no vermouth.

Hey Bartender

I’m a waitress who was thrown into bartending by chance. Our bartender quit on a Friday night, so the manager came up to me and said, “Guess what …you’re it.”

This has been about 5 weeks ago. I’m learning rapidly and am doing okay. Fortunately, its a small bar and not heavily populated.

Can you give me any tips to keep my head above water? What is your best advice for a newbie?

Thanks,
Sydne

Hey Sydne

Congratulations! You’ve made a grand leap to a nobler segment of the service industry, rising above the rank-and-file world of waitstaff.

I’m kidding, of course. You’ll realize this when you’re on the floor behind the bar at 4 A.M. on a Friday, trying to fish a whole lime out of your floor drain because your dishwasher flooded the whole back bar. And yes, you’ll be doing this lying on your stomach in an inch of fetid water.

And yes, this is exactly what I was doing last Friday at 4 A.M.

Now, on to your question. I learned a great deal about mixology from the brilliant Paul Harrington. Not that I’ve had the opportunity to meet him in person. Hotwired used to carry his extensive website, but that link is now down. I would recommend you pick up a copy of his book, Cocktail: A Drinks Bible for the 21st Century. It’s in rare book status at this point, but you can still find copies out there on the net. It’s not cheap, but it’s well worth every penny.

Here’s a link to Amazon’s used selection. Brace yourself.

Now, the first thing you should know is that there are basic families of drinks. Learn how to make one drink in the family, and it’s all a matter of substitution from there on out.

The first family is the highball family. Typically an ounce and a half of liquor to three ounces of mixer. Now you can make a Gin and Tonic, Whiskey and Coke, Rum and Coke, Screwdriver, Seabreeze, Cape Cod, 7 and 7, etc. Brilliant.

Next up is the Martini family. The main members are the Martini, the Gibson and the Manhattan. I use a half ounce of vermouth to two ounces of liquor, always stirred, never shaken. Awesome.

The Sidecar is the grandfather of drinks. You can make modern drinks and classic cocktails if you learn the secret of the Sidecar. And it’s a piece of cake, always remember this rule: 2 parts strong, 1 part sour, and one part sweet. The strong is going to be your main liquor, brandy, tequila, gin, etc. Sour is almost always going to be either lemon or lime juice. And sweet is going to be either simple syrup, triple sec, Cointreau, or another liqueur. Now you can make a Margarita, a Kamikaze, Cosmopolitan, Lemon Drop, Daiquiri, etc.

I also like the Alexander family. One part strong, one part cream, and one part creme de cacao. Use gin, brandy, rum, or vodka as your strong and you’ve got it down. I would put the White Russian in this family, just for fun.

Then there are the one-offs, the drinks that don’t fall into any families. You’ve got to work these out for themselves. Here’s where you get into the Old Fashioned, the Mojito, the Ramos Fizz and the Mint Julep. It’s not a long list, you can do it.

That’s all I’ve got for you, Sydne. I hope this advice helps and that you enjoy the world of bartending. It’s a great job.

Hey Bartender

I want to ask out a bartender at the bar I go to sometimes with my friends, but I don’t know how I should ask her out. Can you give me some advice?

G

Hey G

Asking out a bartender, especially a female bartender, can be tricky. On one hand, she’s probably getting asked out by every other guy that bellies up to her bar, and is more than likely getting tired of it. On the other hand, she’s just a normal person with a normal job, and you should ask her out just as you’d ask out any other woman. Just be yourself.

That said, there are definitely ways to your bartender’s heart. Here’s a few pointers:

1. Tip. Yes, she looks like she’s having a great time entertaining you, and everyone else in the bar. But the reality is that she’s here because she’s got bills to pay. A great way of separating yourself from the rest of the crowd is to tip respectfully yet extravagantly. Think of a tip that seems like too much money. Now double it. That’s what you need to tip, per drink, every time you go into her bar. And be respectful: never, ever talk about the tip. Just order your drink, tip well, and leave. She’ll notice you, believe me.

2. Don’t get too drunk. I know you think you’re really, really funny and interesting when you’ve had eight shots, but believe me, she doesn’t. She may be laughing right along with you and letting you think she’s interested in hearing what you have to say, but if you’re slurring and looking like a drunken fool, it’s all an act. And if you do get too intoxicated at her bar, don’t try to sober up there over the course of the next three hours. Call a cab and go home.

3. Show her that you’re respectful of other women in the bar. If you’re in her bar every night trying to take home every drunk girl you encounter, chances are she’ll think you’re a scumbag rather than the suave Cassanova you think you are. Be nice, be respectful, and chances are she’ll notice.

There you go, G, and good luck.

Hey Bartender

I was just surfing the net to get an idea of what to put on a resume for bartending when i have had no bartending experience. I have worked at McDonalds and a big candy store in NYC. I have a bartending license from NY but have had no job. Do you have any advice about putting together a resume? I would really appreciate it, thanks.

Jamie

Hey Jamie

You can’t do much about making yourself look like an experienced bartender if you don’t have any experience. However, with some retail and foodservice experience, in addition to your service permit, you should have a pretty good chance of getting in at the bottom somewhere.

I would recommend that you highlight as much of the foodservice and retail experience as possible, and maybe even consider leaving out some jobs that aren’t related at all. Bar and restaurant managers aren’t going care about the data entry you did back in 1998.

Don’t get discouraged if you’re offered a job as a barback, if you’ve got a good attitude, and you seem like a quick study and a hard worker, you’ll definitely move up into a more prominent position.

Good luck!

I get so many emails through my website from people asking me bar-related questions that I thought I’d start printing them here with my special brand of witty response. If you have a question you’d like answered, please feel free to contact me and I’ll print your question here.

So, without further ado, here’s the first installment of Ask Your Bartender:

What should I do if a man I have less than zero interest in buys me a drink via the bartender? It seems wrong and rude to drink it, if I plan to tell the guy I’m not interested. Do I decline it?

K

Hey K

Some people, most of them men, seem to think that buying a drink for a woman at the other end of the bar is an old, chivalrous thing to do. I call bullshit.

Nothing says “Date Rapist” like a man trying to get a woman drunk at a bar. However, some women don’t realize this and even go so far as to make a point of going out to see how many free drinks they can amass.

That’s why at my bar, I tell my bartenders to use the following bit of decorum:

“Miss, the gentleman at the end of the bar in the backwards baseball cap would like to buy you a drink. You don’t have to accept it if you don’t want to. Would you like another?”

Nine times out of ten the woman declines, and the guy ends up leaving in a huff, offended that the bartender wasn’t playing along with his creepy little game. But you know what? I don’t care. I love the fact that our bar is known as a comfortable place for women to come enjoy a cocktail, and I’m not going to do anything to change that.

But here’s an important thing to remember, K: even if you do accept a drink from a man, you’re under no obligation to say anything more than “Thank you” to him. You don’t have to talk to him, and you don’t have to go home with him.

Just do me one favor if you accept a drink from a stranger, kiddo: make sure he hasn’t touched it, and that it was delivered personally by the bartender. Oh, and if your bartender doesn’t ask your permission to serve you a drink sent by a stranger, you’re probably better off just paying your tab and leaving.

Good luck, and be safe!

Gee, look, it’s six in the morning and I can’t sleep a wink. I’ve gotten some interesting emails through the site lately and I thought I’d share one of them.

By the way, I love getting email through here, so keep ‘em coming.

Hey Nartender

I am a bartender in Wildwood, NJ. Someone asked me where the term Murphy (where you get the last shot in the bottle for free) came from. Please write me back.

Dana

Hey Dana

I did some research into your question. I’ve never heard that term or practice myself, so I talked to some other East Coast bartenders and searched the internet. No person or website I consulted had ever heard of this, so it might be a pretty local practice, giving away the last shot in a bottle and calling it a Murphy.

I would guess that the term “Murphy” is a generic kind of ethnic slur directed at the Irish, like “Mulligan” is in golf.

So, has anyone else heard of this? It’s totally unheard of here on the West Coast, apparently.