This appalling affront to the craft that so many of us have worked hard trying to restore over the past fifteen-plus years has been making the rounds on Twitter, but I thought I’d share it here with all of you. Browse at your own risk, my advice is to keep a bucket handy.

Oscar Party Cocktails! 10 Tipples Inspired By the Best Picture Nominees – ”Semi-Homemade” star Sandra Lee shakes up some tantalizing recipes to help you toast your favorite contenders.

Some highlights:

1. The Avatar: “…the citrus vodka honors that beautiful tree of life.” – I’m not sure how citrus vodka honors much of anything other than a can of Red Bull.

2. The Blind Side: “When her son wins the football game, God bless, she gets to go home and have her cocktail.” – With a whopping 2¼ ounces of half-and-half on top of that Irish Cream, you’ll look like Sandra Bullock in no time.

3. District 9: ”Like the movie, this drink is a little gritty.” – Enough said.

4. An Education: “Grand Marnier is sophisticated and it kind of goes with the theme of the art galleries and the different places that he took her that really wooed her.” – I don’t know what the Blueberry Smirnoff is a reference to, but I’m guessing it’s underage drinking.

5. The Hurt Locker: – “I did not see this movie — but I saw all of the big bombs and the car blow-ups.” – As someone who creates cocktails from time to time, I’m not sure I’d want to admit this to the people writing my check.

6. A Serious Man: “With a little bit of bitters and some pineapple juice to top it off, this is a beautiful, masculine drink. Or a very sexy woman’s drink.” – Either, or. You pick.

7. Up in the Air: “There are so many jobless people right now that I should come up with a cocktail to suit them. But this [is a drink] for George Clooney.” – I should really… enh, fuck it. Here, George Clooney, drink this.

8. Precious: “There’s so much abuse and violence in this movie. I think that any adult who watches that movie should have a cocktail.” – You know what dulls the pain of watching a young girl being abused on your 52″ flat-screen TV? A Chi-Chi with a squeeze of lime.

9. Up: ”The half-and-half and the milk are supposed to represent the beautiful fluffy clouds and the sky.” – If you haven’t started dry-heaving at the thought of two types of dairy products shaken with Sambuca and Tanqueray gin at this point, my hat is off to you.

10. Inglourious Basterds: “The garnish is not very guy-y. But the gin definitely makes this a guy’s drink.” – The only reasonable drink in the lot, a modified Negroni with a splash of orange juice, smudged by the term ‘guy-y’. If anyone needs me, I’ll be cutting my genitalia off with a rusty steak knife and burning my website to the ground.

Post from: Jeffrey Morgenthaler. Follow me on Twitter.

How to Vomit on Your Keyboard Ten Different Ways

You never know what you might find.

Post from: Jeffrey Morgenthaler. Follow me on Twitter.

Powell’s Books, Portland Oregon

First up, I was quoted in a Wired piece about laptop etiquette in bars. Wired is one of my favorite magazines, so my inner nerd is beaming with pride that I was asked to contribute my thoughts. I also blushed every time one of my mouth-breathing Trekkie friends called or emailed to congratulate me. It’s good to be accepted by one’s peers.

Next, Playboy Magazine selected the Bourbon Renewal as their Drink of The Month for May. As it’s every heterosexual man’s dream to be flown down to the Playboy Mansion to make drinks for Hef and his fabulous friends, I feel that I’m at least one step closer to getting that invite… right? Also, I was able to justify a purchase of this fine publication by explaining, “I’m just reading it for the article about me.”

And finally, the Food and Wine Cocktails 2008 has arrived on bookshelves everywhere, and they’ve chosen the Batida Rosa to help represent cachaça. I’m proud to be presented alongside my friends Jimmy Patrick, Charlie Hodge at Clyde Common, Jamie Boudreau, Kevin Ludwig, Daniel and Ted at the Teardrop Lounge, and Greg at Andina Restaurant in Portland.

Stay tuned for more fun, including a great tutorial on making one of my favorite cocktail mixers at home. It’s so easy, you’ll be cleaning up exploding glass bottles in no time!

Post from: Jeffrey Morgenthaler. Follow me on Twitter.

A Big Month at the Morgenthaler Household

So, Oregon is the best, as everyone knows, but here’s another reason why: Oregon whiskey.

The November issue of Food and Wine Magazine has a great story by Nick Fauchald on page 170 about the rise of Oregon whiskeys, and credits our plentiful raw ingredients (grain, water, wood) and do-it-yourself spirit for a new revolution in American whiskey production. Of particular interest to me was this:

With “Whiskey Your Way,” amateur distillers make their own barrel of bespoke whiskey at House Spirits under [Lee] Medoff and [Christian] Krogstad’s tutelage. At the cost of around $5,000 (about $50 a bottle), Whiskey Your Way participants can customize their whiskey in whatever style they fancy: bourbon, rye, Irish, Scotch, or, if Medoff has his way, Oregonian.

So. Anyone wanna go in on a barrel with me?

Post from: Jeffrey Morgenthaler. Follow me on Twitter.

Another Reason Why Oregon Rocks: Oregon Whiskey

So here are my recommendations for the top ten books any bartender or home mixologist should keep within arm’s reach at all times.

1. Cosmopolitan: A Bartender’s Life by Toby Cecchini

Cecchini nails the quotidian life of a bartender down with the sort of accuracy that only a true lifer could. A must-read for anyone currently or formerly in the business, or just those with mild flirtations or aspirations.

You can buy this brilliant take on the business here. Better yet, pick up an extra copy and leave it as a tip for your favorite barkeep – if they haven’t read it already.

2. The Joy of Mixology by Gary Regan

If Gary’s chapter on drink families were the only chapter in this book, it would still be worth the cover price. This is probably my all-time favorite guide to mixology and bartending, all wrapped up in one place.

You can buy the Joy of Mixology here. Put it someplace handy, use the hell out of it, and then pick up another copy when you can no longer read the first.

3. Kindred Spirits 2 by F. Paul Pacult

I have a pretty good palate and an okay memory, so I feel comfortable with my own assessment of the spirits I carry behind my bar. Paul Pacult has a mind-numbingly brilliant palate and is a terrific, no-nonsense writer. So rather than rely solely on my own take on the brands I choose to stock, I also keep a copy of Kindred Spirits 2 behind the bar at all times. It’s an essential reference to the vast sea of flavors we’re confronted with every day.

Any bar serious about spirits has this book somewhere in the building. Grab a copy here and do the same.

4. Cocktail: The Drinks Bible for the 21st Century by Paul Harrington

This is the book that I had at my side for years as I taught myself to make cocktails the right way. Paul’s attitude toward the craft is opinionated and brilliant. I think about the words in this book nearly every night I’m behind the bar.

Sadly, this one’s out of print, so plan on spending a pretty large sum if you want to buy one of your own – but it’s worth it. If you do stumble across a copy in a used bookstore or garage sale, grab it without hesitation.

5. On Food and Cooking by Harold McGee

This book is subtitled The Science and Lore of the Kitchen, and chapter nine is the most in-depth, scientific analysis of the production of alcohol you’re going to find anywhere. Read it once, slowly, and then give yourself some time to digest. It’s a heavy read but worth the workout.

He’s not as fun as Alton Brown, but he may have taught the man everything he knows. Pick up your own copy here.

6. Vintage Spirits & Forgotten Cocktails by Ted Haigh

This book is the bible of cocktail archaeology, which has inspired a new generation of cocktail enthusiasts – just look at the vast proliferation of cocktail blogs for proof.

I’ll pick this one up from time to time, turn to a random page, and whip up one of whichever I find. I’ve never been disappointed yet. You can pick up a copy here.

7. The Savoy Cocktail Book by Harry Craddock

The problem with huge drink encyclopedias is that they often contain recipes of questionable origin and proportions. This book is no different in that regard, yet it still remains the quintessential reference on Prohibition-era drinking. I often absentmindedly turn to it first.

Buy The Savoy Cocktail Book here, and then follow along here as Erik Ellestad makes every single drink in the book and reports back with a write-up complete with photo. Amazing.

8. A History of the World in Six Glasses by Tom Standage

Once again, you can’t begin to understand where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been. Not content to be a mere history of beverages, this book is truly a history of human civilization as seen through beer, wine, coffee, tea, spirits, and Coca-Cola.

I find myself having to buy this one from time to time, as it seems to be the first books I want to loan out. Get yourself a loaner here.

9. Straight Up or On The Rocks by William Grimes

New York Times restaurant critic William Grimes understands something a lot of people take for granted: the cocktail, like jazz music or mass production, is one of America’s greatest contributions to the world. Follow along as he details why this is, and provides additional commentary to augment the experience.

The good news is that a book this good is fairly inexpensive and plentiful. Pick up a copy here.

10. What to Drink with What You Eat by Andrew Dornenburg and Karen Page

Sometimes consuming alcohol is something done alone at an airport bar, a necessary drug dose taken before a bumpy ride. But when alcohol shows its true beauty is when it is enjoyed with good food. This book not only helps take some of the mystery out of pairing alcohol with food, it also helps open the door to approaching booze from a more culinary perspective.

This one came out just last year, so it still runs a little steep. Pick up a copy here, or just add it to your Wish List and hope that someone takes notice this season.

I’m sure you’ve seen some glaring omissions on this list, so feel free to leave your bartender book recommendations in the comments below.

Post from: Jeffrey Morgenthaler. Follow me on Twitter.

Ten Books Every Bartender Should Own

Hey Bartender

As you stated in your recent post, we can’t possibly be expected to know the full gamut of odd-named and (sometimes) purely awful drinks that tend to get ordered every once and a while. I was wondering, is there one comprehensive (preferably small and inconspicuous-looking) cocktail book that covers a large percentage of these drinks? I just want to know what you would recommend if I wanted to have one book behind the bar for these situations (I know you recommend Harrington’s book, but I simply can’t afford to drop $100 – I’m in the struggling college student bartending camp at the moment). Any advice?

Thanks,
Scott

Hey Scott

The reality is that you only need to know how to make a few key drinks really well in order to be a successful bartender. Everything else is bullshit and you can look it up in the book. Look, I’ve got a secret: I don’t know how to make a Purple Hooter.

I’ve made a few of them, but we don’t really get too many requests for Purple Hooters where I work. So, every time someone orders a Purple Hooter, I’ve got to break open something we refer to as the Big Book of Dumb Drinks and remind myself what goes in a Purple Hooter. This usually happens about once every three months.

The book we use is called The Bartender’s Black Book by Stephen Cunningham Kitteredge, but we just refer to it as “The Big Book of Dumb Drinks” since it catalogues every silly, sexually-named, nightclub-oriented, childish, dumb drink you’ll ever get an order for.

It’s wonderful. Really. It’s spiral-bound, so it lays flat. It’s small, so it doesn’t take up much space behind the bar. And it’s actually got a bunch of other useful information.

You can purchase the book here.

Post from: Jeffrey Morgenthaler. Follow me on Twitter.

Ask Your Bartender: Cocktail Books

Hey Bartender

I’m a waitress who was thrown into bartending by chance. Our bartender quit on a Friday night, so the manager came up to me and said, “Guess what …you’re it.”

This has been about 5 weeks ago. I’m learning rapidly and am doing okay. Fortunately, its a small bar and not heavily populated.

Can you give me any tips to keep my head above water? What is your best advice for a newbie?

Thanks,
Sydne

Hey Sydne

Congratulations! You’ve made a grand leap to a nobler segment of the service industry, rising above the rank-and-file world of waitstaff.

I’m kidding, of course. You’ll realize this when you’re on the floor behind the bar at 4 A.M. on a Friday, trying to fish a whole lime out of your floor drain because your dishwasher flooded the whole back bar. And yes, you’ll be doing this lying on your stomach in an inch of fetid water.

And yes, this is exactly what I was doing last Friday at 4 A.M.

Now, on to your question. I learned a great deal about mixology from the brilliant Paul Harrington. Not that I’ve had the opportunity to meet him in person. Hotwired used to carry his extensive website, but that link is now down. I would recommend you pick up a copy of his book, Cocktail: A Drinks Bible for the 21st Century. It’s in rare book status at this point, but you can still find copies out there on the net. It’s not cheap, but it’s well worth every penny.

Here’s a link to Amazon’s used selection. Brace yourself.

Now, the first thing you should know is that there are basic families of drinks. Learn how to make one drink in the family, and it’s all a matter of substitution from there on out.

The first family is the highball family. Typically an ounce and a half of liquor to three ounces of mixer. Now you can make a Gin and Tonic, Whiskey and Coke, Rum and Coke, Screwdriver, Seabreeze, Cape Cod, 7 and 7, etc. Brilliant.

Next up is the Martini family. The main members are the Martini, the Gibson and the Manhattan. I use a half ounce of vermouth to two ounces of liquor, always stirred, never shaken. Awesome.

The Sidecar is the grandfather of drinks. You can make modern drinks and classic cocktails if you learn the secret of the Sidecar. And it’s a piece of cake, always remember this rule: 2 parts strong, 1 part sour, and one part sweet. The strong is going to be your main liquor, brandy, tequila, gin, etc. Sour is almost always going to be either lemon or lime juice. And sweet is going to be either simple syrup, triple sec, Cointreau, or another liqueur. Now you can make a Margarita, a Kamikaze, Cosmopolitan, Lemon Drop, Daiquiri, etc.

I also like the Alexander family. One part strong, one part cream, and one part creme de cacao. Use gin, brandy, rum, or vodka as your strong and you’ve got it down. I would put the White Russian in this family, just for fun.

Then there are the one-offs, the drinks that don’t fall into any families. You’ve got to work these out for themselves. Here’s where you get into the Old Fashioned, the Mojito, the Ramos Fizz and the Mint Julep. It’s not a long list, you can do it.

That’s all I’ve got for you, Sydne. I hope this advice helps and that you enjoy the world of bartending. It’s a great job.

Post from: Jeffrey Morgenthaler. Follow me on Twitter.

Ask Your Bartender: New to Bartending