How to Vomit on Your Keyboard Ten Different Ways

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This appalling affront to the craft that so many of us have worked hard trying to restore over the past fifteen-plus years has been making the rounds on Twitter, but I thought I’d share it here with all of you. Browse at your own risk, my advice is to keep a bucket handy.

Oscar Party Cocktails! 10 Tipples Inspired By the Best Picture Nominees – ”Semi-Homemade” star Sandra Lee shakes up some tantalizing recipes to help you toast your favorite contenders.

Some highlights:

1. The Avatar: “…the citrus vodka honors that beautiful tree of life.” – I’m not sure how citrus vodka honors much of anything other than a can of Red Bull.

2. The Blind Side: “When her son wins the football game, God bless, she gets to go home and have her cocktail.” – With a whopping 2¼ ounces of half-and-half on top of that Irish Cream, you’ll look like Sandra Bullock in no time.

3. District 9: ”Like the movie, this drink is a little gritty.” – Enough said.

4. An Education: “Grand Marnier is sophisticated and it kind of goes with the theme of the art galleries and the different places that he took her that really wooed her.” – I don’t know what the Blueberry Smirnoff is a reference to, but I’m guessing it’s underage drinking.

5. The Hurt Locker: – “I did not see this movie — but I saw all of the big bombs and the car blow-ups.” – As someone who creates cocktails from time to time, I’m not sure I’d want to admit this to the people writing my check.

6. A Serious Man: “With a little bit of bitters and some pineapple juice to top it off, this is a beautiful, masculine drink. Or a very sexy woman’s drink.” – Either, or. You pick.

7. Up in the Air: “There are so many jobless people right now that I should come up with a cocktail to suit them. But this [is a drink] for George Clooney.” – I should really… enh, fuck it. Here, George Clooney, drink this.

8. Precious: “There’s so much abuse and violence in this movie. I think that any adult who watches that movie should have a cocktail.” – You know what dulls the pain of watching a young girl being abused on your 52″ flat-screen TV? A Chi-Chi with a squeeze of lime.

9. Up: ”The half-and-half and the milk are supposed to represent the beautiful fluffy clouds and the sky.” – If you haven’t started dry-heaving at the thought of two types of dairy products shaken with Sambuca and Tanqueray gin at this point, my hat is off to you.

10. Inglourious Basterds: “The garnish is not very guy-y. But the gin definitely makes this a guy’s drink.” – The only reasonable drink in the lot, a modified Negroni with a splash of orange juice, smudged by the term ‘guy-y’. If anyone needs me, I’ll be cutting my genitalia off with a rusty steak knife and burning my website to the ground.

48 Replies to “How to Vomit on Your Keyboard Ten Different Ways”

  • Chris says:

    How much do you suppose she was paid for that nonsense?

  • Whatever it was, I’m guessing it was far too much.

  • Chris W. says:

    Anyone ever notice this woman has the same dead-eyed smile in every single photograph snapped of her? It’s quite unnerving.

    Almost as unnerving as her “let’s throw crap together and make it look pretty, taste be damned” approach to the culinary arts.

  • Marvin says:

    You’ll Laugh
    You’ll Cry
    You’ll throw up in your mouth a little.

  • Rocky says:

    I’m laughing, but it’s to avoid the pain. I’ve had that one for the Hurt Locker though, 20 years ago in Tiajuana. I was 12 and extra stupid.

  • Chad says:

    I wonder what she is making for “Best Grip” and “Best Soundtrack.” Well I know at least a starting point for a new cocktail book, “101 Crappy Cocktails and Who Cares if They Taste Good.” Maybe she can write the forward.

  • Duff says:

    My God, there IS a Hurt Locker drink!

  • Charlie says:

    Even the website say “EW”!

  • Carly says:

    She routinely makes it onto Cake Wrecks for her ridiculous cake advice. This makes me thinks there should be a cocktail wrecks site. Although I suppose awful drinks aren’t usually so visually spectacular.

  • Paulo says:

    To paraphrase “Grease”:

    Look at me, I’m Sandra Lee/
    Lousy with mixology.
    Can’t make a drink/
    Without causing a stink/
    I can’t, I’m Sandra Lee…

  • RyeGirl says:

    Oh that is hideous! She made my shaker parts feel awful and now I want to punch my dog in the face.

    Why lady, why?!? Why would you do that to this adorable little puppy?!?

  • Jefferson says:

    This is the same critter who did ads for KFC and said she loved the grilled “chicken”. It’s probably not true, but it might explain a palate as dead as the look on her face.

  • Ellen Green says:

    No.9 Up cocktail sounds really disgusting! The drain in your bar’s drip pan taste better than that.

  • Jordan says:

    Here’s my question: did she actually try any of these abominations? If so, does she have any remaining tastebuds?

  • TopherTino says:

    Wow….it’s not that I expect more from her, ’cause I don’t, but this definitely is detrimental to the progression of cocktails. Way too many folks think that these “mixed drinks” they get are really what true cocktails are. (E.g. I had a friend under the impression that a Bellini uses Peach Snapple….’nough said). I’m really over it, but keep your rusty steak knife I’ll just take Suzy Cocktailmaker’s Negroni sans the bullshitry modifications.

  • T Best says:

    Christ, is that what passes for journalism these days? Seriously pre-school quality. Where’s a sub-editor when you need one…

    Having said that, this woman seems to have built her career on cutting corners, and generally using unauthentic crap formulas; it doesn’t fill me with surprise that her journalism and cocktails should be any different.

    It seems anyone who buys her publications probably deserves whatever they get.

  • D.Ronen says:

    I can’t believe you made no real comment on the Hurt Locker cocktail. JC Especial added to a nartsy-lookin’ michelada? That honestly made me more queasy than both her narrative AND that Sandra Bullock cocktail. Oof.

  • evilbusdriver says:

    This is like those bartending school videos you put up. You try to not look, then you do and immediately regret it.

  • Jack Tiano says:

    I think you guys are being a little harsh. I mean, sure, the drinks would be better with more high quality premixes and a lazier shake, but c’mon, she’s a broad.

  • Tokyo Tea says:

    If any of you watch the food networks (Food or FLN)you have to acknowledge that these trainwreck cocktails are common occurence. Ever watch Guy’s big bite for example? Not that I would expect anything quality from a barkeep with bleach spiked hair and a wristband (your service permit should automatically be revoked if you are a bartender wearing a wristband)

  • Jessica Roberts says:

    I don’t know Sandra Lee but maybe we shouldn’t be making fun of someone who is clearly a couple eggs short of a dozen.

  • snb farmer says:

    If a chaser is supposed to be served on the side how do you fill a chilled tall glass with 1oz of Tequila and a splash of tomato juice? It doesn’t say the beer goes in the glass (Hurt Locker). Lots of pineapple juice here who would think pineapple juice could improve an old fashioned?

  • Sam Harrigan says:

    Can’t wait to see the “tablescape” she’s come up with to match this doozy…

  • Mary Sue says:

    But it’s Aunt Sandy! No one’s really taken her seriously since the Kwanzaa cake!

  • lala12 says:

    Dear Sandra Lee,

    Quit trying to look like Heidi Montag.

    Thank you

  • Gonçalo says:

    ‘semi-homedmade’ ?!

    half-unconcsious !?

  • Grant says:

    deep down i really hope she was taking the piss

  • AK says:

    The amount of sambuca in these drinks is peculiar to me, even beyond the general awfulness.

  • Julie says:

    What a shit show! Everything I can ever remember this woman creating makes me want to vom. Blue curacao doesn’t belong anywhere near a cocktail…the blessing comes in disguise here; all this fucking hysterical commentary, thank you, Jeffrey!

  • Wow, you guys are harsh. Who cares about her mixing citrus vodka or blue curacao – that is her gimmick and she’s quite good at it. She was raised in poverty and mothered her four younger siblings when she was only 11 years old. She’s achieved remarkable success regardless of the card that was dealt to her in life. I personally don’t care much for her recipes and tablescapes – however I do have a lot of admiration and respect for a self-made woman. I don’t have to love her drinks – it really isn’t the point.

  • Mark says:

    I’m confused. Cocktails aside…

    1. A grownup wrote all that crap?

    2. She has problems with the abuse in Precious but not a peep about Inglorious Basterds? Mr. Head, meet Mr. Baseball Bat. Mr. Baseball Bat met Mr. Head.

    3. She gets paid for this?

    Dear God, my life truly has lost all meaning. And I’m out of Rye.

  • AK says:

    “Who cares about her mixing citrus vodka or blue curacao – that is her gimmick and she’s quite good at it. She was raised in poverty and mothered her four younger siblings when she was only 11 years old. She’s achieved remarkable success regardless of the card that was dealt to her in life.”

    Her gimmick is making tripe, not coming up from poverty. If she wanted to sell me her inspiring story of determination and loyalty I might be alright with it, but the tripe she peddles should be judged for the tripe it is, not for the noble origins from which it sprang.

    A compelling backstory cannot give additional worth to inferior food and drink. Food and drink insist on being judged on their merits as such.

  • Tokyo Tea says:

    Wow, Sure is a tough time nowadays being Blue Curacao!

  • Kate says:

    “I don’t have to love her drinks – it really isn’t the point.”

    Actually, that’s exactly the point.

  • Nick says:

    How about this drink:
    1 part crazy bitch
    2 parts hot boobies
    equal parts satan and robot.

    Watching the show on mute makes me put on Mastadon or Slayer and drink the blood of a bat. Okay, maybe a little harsh, maybe not. Too bad all you have to do to host a show is be a hot soccer mom and know how to semi-cook box meals and “construct tablescapes” Seriously, who does that shit?

    Thanks for making us feel human Jeff. Keep it up!

    Imbibingly yours,
    Nick (caskproof)

  • JulianZ says:

    What’s not just unfortunate but absolutely soul crushing about this (besides the stomach curdling ‘recipes’ for ‘cocktails’) is the fact that her fame is a clear sign of the times we live in.

    Quality is no longer what people are concerned with and we bartenders along with chefs constantly are forced to compromise. Compromises in terms of flavour and contents. At the bar I work at (linked to) I’ve been asked for cocktails that are low-fat, sugar-free, cool-looking and other ridiculous insults to our craft.

    When I walk into a cocktail bar I’m looking for taste, not a diet, an image or something with enough sugar to give a horse a stroke without the benfit of flavour. Getting absoluteley shithoused is just a bonus…

    One of the things we as a team at my workplace strive to do is re-introduce people to the classic notion of a cocktail. Take people out of their comfort zone, put the goddamned Midori down, serve them what must be absolutely disgusting because it wasn’t featured on Sex & the City and more often than not you’ll have gotten yourself a convert. At least for the night.

    We can bitch and moan as much as we like (I do it, a lot.) but we also have to do something about it otherwise the near future of our industry will be filled with Midori, Blue Curacao, cheap product and pissweak drinks that are an insult to the hardworking manufacturers of the product actually worth using.

    And that’s my self righteous rant of the month done.

    Awesome blog, cheers from Melbourne, Australia.

  • Muss says:

    I remember seeing this list sometime ago, and yes, it’s utterly revolting.

  • Chris says:

    She does a lot of damage to the mixing world. As I think about it, so do 99% of the celeb chefs that attempt making cocktails.

    Guy Fieri is as bad if not worse than she is too, especially his technique.

    C

  • Andrea says:

    Damage to the mixing world? Sweet jeezus! Try damage to the entire food and drink world.
    We should all steer clear of anyone that runs around touting “semi-homemade” anything.
    What ever happened to making it all from scratch?

  • mata says:

    Way too funny… Comments even more hilarious! Cheers!

  • Devon Belcher says:

    try doing a google search for “Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake”. I’d provide a link here, but part of the fun is coming across all the people responding to her.

  • jeff underwood says:

    This woman kills me. Her attempts at cocktails, much like almost every attempt at a cocktail on Food Network is a disaster. She doesn’t even measure for Christ’s sake! I’ve been known to free-pour on occasion, but she just dumps in stuff straight out of the bottle! My favorite instance of this is when she made some random drink, which was all booze, in which she dumped 3 different liquors, un-chilled, into a giant snifter. And that was it. That was the drink. It was literally 8 to 10 ounces of booze, unchilled and undiluted.

  • Nick says:

    I love the fact that this story still gets hits almost a year later! Such a testament.

  • Jonathan Van Ark says:

    I just like that the link takes you to
    ew.com — should be ewwwww.com
    but — whatever.

  • The Designer says:

    For those who missed it, check out the comments under each of those drinks, they’re just as harsh as ours.

    Now to a serious question, wouldn’t simmering “punch” for 4-6 hours make it devoid of all alcohol?

  • No comment on this piece–it speaks for itself and is a hilarious read.

    But I can’t believe no one responded to this, from commentator 19, Jack Tiano:

    “I think you guys are being a little harsh. I mean, sure, the drinks would be better with more high quality premixes and a lazier shake, but c’mon, she’s a broad.”

    What the fuck man. I hope that was a joke, but it’s still not funny.

    EWM

  • Michael Spangenberg says:

    …I am clueless if I should cry or laugh. I guess both at the same time. At least your comments made my day Jeffrey. And thanks for publishing THE BAR BOOK. Good read 🙂

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