How to Vomit on Your Keyboard Ten Different Ways

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This appalling affront to the craft that so many of us have worked hard trying to restore over the past fifteen-plus years has been making the rounds on Twitter, but I thought I’d share it here with all of you. Browse at your own risk, my advice is to keep a bucket handy.

Oscar Party Cocktails! 10 Tipples Inspired By the Best Picture Nominees – ”Semi-Homemade” star Sandra Lee shakes up some tantalizing recipes to help you toast your favorite contenders.

Some highlights:

1. The Avatar: “…the citrus vodka honors that beautiful tree of life.” – I’m not sure how citrus vodka honors much of anything other than a can of Red Bull.

2. The Blind Side: “When her son wins the football game, God bless, she gets to go home and have her cocktail.” – With a whopping 2¼ ounces of half-and-half on top of that Irish Cream, you’ll look like Sandra Bullock in no time.

3. District 9: ”Like the movie, this drink is a little gritty.” – Enough said.

4. An Education: “Grand Marnier is sophisticated and it kind of goes with the theme of the art galleries and the different places that he took her that really wooed her.” – I don’t know what the Blueberry Smirnoff is a reference to, but I’m guessing it’s underage drinking.

5. The Hurt Locker: – “I did not see this movie — but I saw all of the big bombs and the car blow-ups.” – As someone who creates cocktails from time to time, I’m not sure I’d want to admit this to the people writing my check.

6. A Serious Man: “With a little bit of bitters and some pineapple juice to top it off, this is a beautiful, masculine drink. Or a very sexy woman’s drink.” – Either, or. You pick.

7. Up in the Air: “There are so many jobless people right now that I should come up with a cocktail to suit them. But this [is a drink] for George Clooney.” – I should really… enh, fuck it. Here, George Clooney, drink this.

8. Precious: “There’s so much abuse and violence in this movie. I think that any adult who watches that movie should have a cocktail.” – You know what dulls the pain of watching a young girl being abused on your 52″ flat-screen TV? A Chi-Chi with a squeeze of lime.

9. Up: ”The half-and-half and the milk are supposed to represent the beautiful fluffy clouds and the sky.” – If you haven’t started dry-heaving at the thought of two types of dairy products shaken with Sambuca and Tanqueray gin at this point, my hat is off to you.

10. Inglourious Basterds: “The garnish is not very guy-y. But the gin definitely makes this a guy’s drink.” – The only reasonable drink in the lot, a modified Negroni with a splash of orange juice, smudged by the term ‘guy-y’. If anyone needs me, I’ll be cutting my genitalia off with a rusty steak knife and burning my website to the ground.

48 Replies to “How to Vomit on Your Keyboard Ten Different Ways”

  • mata says:

    Way too funny… Comments even more hilarious! Cheers!

  • Devon Belcher says:

    try doing a google search for “Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake”. I’d provide a link here, but part of the fun is coming across all the people responding to her.

  • jeff underwood says:

    This woman kills me. Her attempts at cocktails, much like almost every attempt at a cocktail on Food Network is a disaster. She doesn’t even measure for Christ’s sake! I’ve been known to free-pour on occasion, but she just dumps in stuff straight out of the bottle! My favorite instance of this is when she made some random drink, which was all booze, in which she dumped 3 different liquors, un-chilled, into a giant snifter. And that was it. That was the drink. It was literally 8 to 10 ounces of booze, unchilled and undiluted.

  • Nick says:

    I love the fact that this story still gets hits almost a year later! Such a testament.

  • Jonathan Van Ark says:

    I just like that the link takes you to
    ew.com — should be ewwwww.com
    but — whatever.

  • The Designer says:

    For those who missed it, check out the comments under each of those drinks, they’re just as harsh as ours.

    Now to a serious question, wouldn’t simmering “punch” for 4-6 hours make it devoid of all alcohol?

  • No comment on this piece–it speaks for itself and is a hilarious read.

    But I can’t believe no one responded to this, from commentator 19, Jack Tiano:

    “I think you guys are being a little harsh. I mean, sure, the drinks would be better with more high quality premixes and a lazier shake, but c’mon, she’s a broad.”

    What the fuck man. I hope that was a joke, but it’s still not funny.

    EWM

  • Michael Spangenberg says:

    …I am clueless if I should cry or laugh. I guess both at the same time. At least your comments made my day Jeffrey. And thanks for publishing THE BAR BOOK. Good read 🙂

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