Xante Pear Liqueur (Not A Sex Toy)

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I absolutely hate it when someone sends me a box full of sex toys in the mail. Sure, it might sound like fun to some of you (you know who you are), but receiving a big box of free sex is much more trouble than it’s worth. Believe me. So I get a little guarded when unannounced packages arrive because, you know, I’m worried that they’re going to be full of sex stuff.

virgin

Just a couple of months ago, such a suspicious package arrived and I opened it to find – much to my delight – not a box full of sex toys but rather a new pear liqueur called Xanté. That’s fine, I thought to myself, at least it’s just a harmless pear liqueur and not something more salacious. So I opened the envelope, and there was the standard non-sexy note from the liquor company:

“Xanté is an intimate love affair, a passionate encounter, a lifetime commitment, a ménage à trois between virgin pears, the finest French cognacs, and soft caresses of vanilla from French Limousine Oak.”

Huh, okay, an intimate, passionate ménage à trois with soft caresses from virgins or whatever, nothing terribly naughty about that. Guess I’ll open the box.

ribbon

Xanté comes in a sleek black box, carefully secured with a long, silken gold ribbon. It is my understanding that this ribbon is not meant to be used as a blindfold, gag, or method of restraint, but rather a simple and affordable alternative to, say, a piece of tape to keep the box closed. The box is emblazoned with the G-rated slogan “Unimaginable Pleasure”.


lady

Inside is a little booklet full of stories about pleasure and very tasteful photo essays of women in the sporting life, surrounded by young shirtless boys and quotes comparing non-sexual leisure activities to the enjoyment of pear liqueur:

“Any croquet player of distinction knows it’s crucial to always keep her eyes on the balls and peg, regardless of how distracting the surroundings may be. Sight is an equally important part of the Xanté experience; its rich amber colour makes it apparent to anyone that looks do matter.”

…and:

“Just like a day at the croquet grounds, stroking coloured wooden balls across manicured lawns, Xanté is uncompromisingly unpredictable.”

Apparently all of this ball-stroking can whip up an insatiable thirst for the consumer, so I guess the next thing to do would be to open up the bottle. Nestled in a non-suggestive coffin of black satin sheets is the bottle, standing proudly and erect in its velveteen hole.

bottle

The opening nose is reminiscent of pears poached in cinnamon and wine. The first sip reveals a moderate amount of heat, which dissipates quickly leaving behind an extended finish of basic sugars, pear, light caramel, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg and banana. Or, in the words of the company:

“…with its touch of vanilla, the perfect penetration of pear, and the slow, tender mating process which seals the great conception delivering a flavour and taste beyond all known experience.”

I don’t know, maybe it does sound kind of dirty after all.

21 Replies to “Xante Pear Liqueur (Not A Sex Toy)”

  • tomjulio says:

    …it must have been a dirty and sexy for you, because directly below this article you have Norwegian Wood. Coincidence? I think not.

  • Hi Jeffrey,

    Great write up!
    Xante is not really new – maybe it is rebranded and new in the US.

    Like usually in Dubai, it is difficult to get your hands on something like that, so invested into the elaborate procedure of a special import, a couple years ago.

    The cost of a special import is quite high, so I had great expectations – which were almost met by the product.

    Though too soon, the we finished the stocks.
    My homemade take on Xante surprised to be even better than the original: VSOP Cognac, Eau de vie de fruit de poire williams and sugar – all blended together and left for few days.

    The result had more impressive fruit flavors, deeper Cognac flavors and a little more soothing heat…

    Due to the extensive cost of special imports, the homemade product was even less expensive.

  • Brian12566 says:

    Just a Quick aside, Norwegian Wood, now erect bottles in velvety holes? Your blog rules.
    Thanks for the review!

  • Eugenia says:

    Clearly, the X in Xanté means you’re in for some x-rated santé, French for health. In other words, sexual healing. Via pears. Because you already have the pegs, balls and mallets you need.

  • Well… I guess it could be used as a sex toy.

    Does the booze inside remotely worth all the fuss? I actually don’t think anything is worth such fuss, but you know what I mean. It looks like a cheap way to give prestige to a very ordinary product. Sounds like a glorified Belle de brillet to me.

    The only “over the top” packaging that I like is the one for the Bowmore 40 years, with the magnificent bottle, the chest and the monocle.

  • Scooter says:

    Those guys should write copy for the side of the Asom Brosso bottle.

  • D says:

    Drink the pear liqueur, or make love to it….
    YOU decide. 😉

  • I just reflected the whole topic.
    It would be worth to try to make a liqueur using Domfrontais Calvados.
    This area in the Normandy has to use a minimum of 30% pears in the cider.

    But then it depends, if you can find these calvados for a decent price…

  • Nothing raunchy that I can see, Morgenthaler, it’s just your dirty mind.

    Healthy exercise will cure this weakness.

    Why not go pound some steely-hard pegs into soft, welcoming, furry undergrowth –

    on a camping holiday, say?

  • Rico says:

    I couldn’t stand up for several minutes after reading this post.

  • caskproof says:

    So, next would be Teton vodka… giggity giggity… Great write up. It almost sounds Bourdainish. Regardless, I am now thirsty. Gotta go grab something pear. Cheers.

  • Thanks for costing me £16.10. Just ordered a bottle online. I love Cognac and with so many people mentioning that word in relation to this drink I just got to try it.

    I guess I should of got away from my computer for a bit and went and bought a shot or two from a bar to see if I like it first.

    I wonder if I can cancel that order…..

    Jamie

  • starr01 says:

    Wow what a description. I have to try this stuff!

  • Cha-Chi says:

    French limousines, young shirtless boy’s,and croquet….. Sounds like your last trip to Europe!

    Love you!

  • “Velvety hole” just moved to the top of “Phrases I am Going to Beat to Death this Summer” list.
    And interesting study in brand positioning.

  • Ben says:

    Man, I need a cigarette after reading that review.

  • Mark Froelich says:

    How can I get Xante shipped to my home in the US ?

  • Martin Oldsberg says:

    This is a Swedish product, and as a citizen of that country I´d like to apologize for it.
    Xanté comes straight from the lab and tastes exactly like that, and if you like that sort of thing this may be the sort of thing you like, but beware: it´s sexiness is all linguistic. They should be sued for connecting it to “Cognac”.

  • TessaTrue says:

    Xanté is not a joke. It is a truly memorable pleasure. I use to sip it when I lived in Scandinavia. Xanté is meant to be sipped… with the one you plan to be with. It is not meant to drink alone. Xanté is an experience. I too would like to know where to find it here in America. I am in Chicago, I cannot find it here.

  • Benjamin Story says:

    Well I must confess: I find this product description over the top. I feel almost insulted. I’d feel more aroused if they ditched the expensive wrapping, saved some cost on overhead, thus putting a few more bucks in my pocket. Regardless, I’m about to enjoy some by the fire on my Bengal tiger throw.

    Care to join me Tessa?

  • That’s gotta be the sexiest liqueur around!

    Personally, I don’t need the fancy write-up to entice me. Just some cool, new recipes would suffice.

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