An Open Letter to Grey Goose Vodka

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Dear Grey Goose vodka;

It has come to my attention, during many incidents over the course of several years, that your wonderful product is determined to kill me. I am not referring to the ubiquitous hangover that so many of my clients have endured as a result of partaking in your fine product, but rather something more sinister.

Certainly we are all aware of the internal damage that can be attributed to years of enjoyment of Grey Goose vodka; I will not dwell on such trivial matters here. I am of course referring to the razor-sharp, serrated, metal enclosures that your company currently uses to seal the product contained within your fashionably-slender frosted bottle.

After opening the first three layers of my hand while opening a bottle of Grey Goose vodka recently, I have decided to appeal to your fine company on behalf of bartenders everywhere. For the nineteenth time this year, I was relegated to bartending with my left hand last Friday night, as my right hand (I am currently right-handed) spent close to an hour in the bivouac of my pants pocket, bleeding my precious life’s blood into a bed of cocktail napkins.

In economical terms, losing the ability to use my right hand meant that I had 50% of my ability to pour your fine product for my customers. Furthermore, my reluctance to recommend your fine product for personal safety concerns resulted in even lower sales. Of your fine product.

While the occasional home user may understand my frustration, it is professional bartenders, with their wet, shriveled, and therefore vulnerable hands that are most susceptible to losing a pint of plasma every eighteen drinks as a result of your product. And if I am not mistaken, Grey Goose, it is placement in bars that helps drive your sales in the home market.

So, please, Grey Goose, if you value your market share – and the manual dexterity of bartenders everywhere – please work to develop a less violent enclosure for your product. Your consideration in this matter is appreciated by myself and my colleagues.

Thank you,

Jeffrey Morgenthaler

26 Replies to “An Open Letter to Grey Goose Vodka”

  • Dear Jeffrey

    Many thanks to you and your colleagues for bringing to our attention your experiences removing the foil cap and cork on bottles of Grey Goose vodka.

    Please be assured that we value all feedback such as yours and I am very pleased to advise you that with immediate effect we have taken two steps to improve the quality of the foil cap on 750ml and 1 litre bottles. Firstly, we have increased the width of the tear-band itself to make removal easier and secondly we have lowered the position of the tear-band to reduce the risk of cut fingers on the foil when removing the cork. We are also currently looking into the feasibility of rounding off the lead edge of the tear-band to reduce the risk of the foil cutting under the fingernail.

    I hope that these actions help to reassure you that we are continually looking at ways in which we can improve the design of our bottle and foil cap and will continue to do so.

    Many thanks for all your support and I hope that with these new improvements you will continue to recommend Grey Goose to your customers now and in the future.

    Many thanks

    Sven-Olaf Hansen

    Global Brand Director
    Grey Goose vodka

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  • Evan says:

    I just stumbled across this post while browsing the site and Once again you nailed it! I have had a few bad times with grey goose(getting that foil jammed underneath your finger nail while behind the bar is always great). But there are many bottles I don’t like. When it comes to getting the speed pourer out of the bottle, Finlandia and Pearl come to mind as being a couple of the worst and then of course all those sticky liqueurs. Tequila gets my vote for overall trickiest bottles to pour out of, as mentioned before Patron as well as Aha Toro, Corzo and my least favorite bottle Cazadores. I have nearly ripped my hand off opening one of those and top of that, Cazadores has one of those stupid always clogging guards on it.

  • Warren says:

    Really? Are you kidding me? How long have you been bartending? Two weeks? Maybe a month? Was that your first bottle of Goose that you opened?

    It’s a seal over the cap made from LEAD – yes, the very soft metal that is far easier to twist off than it is to find the pull tab. The same stuff found on many wine bottles. I have opened Goose bottles for over a decade and I have NEVER tried the Pull Tab. It’s just the most stupid thing on the top of a liquor bottle.

    Keep in mind that they put the Pull Tab on the bottle to confuse stupid people – just pull the whole thing off w/o wasting the time to find the tab (unless your bar is LOW volume – in which case you have time to clean instead – Time to Lean = Time to Clean; Time to find the Goose Pull Tab = Time to Lean = Time to Clean)…

    (The french think differently – they look for different solutions, and not always efficient solutions…)

    With a soft grip around the neck of the seal – twist back and forth a few times and then twist/pull off. Never touch their Pull tab – just get all of the lead seal off because it doesn’t belong there anyway.

    I have to ask – do you have trouble with Absolute bottles too?

    For those just grasp the bottle cap above the neck, twist as if the plastic wrapper isn’t there, when cap free of top, torque it to the side and the plastic seal separates at it’s perferations – you don’t need to look for the pull tab a the top. It’s a 2 second open that I’ve seen people struggle with…

    Warren

    P.S. Evan – Cazadores’s built in pourer just sucks. Mexican engineering just isn’t there yet. If you’re pouring it neat – knock the top of the bottle into the bottom of your glass – otherwise put the cap back on and knock that on the bar until it starts to pour again. It’s a good selling tequila though for us – too bad the Mexican’s aren’t yet smart enough to package things for American bars, Patron can kiss my ass – not the best tequila and one of the worst bottles to pour from. F$#@ing give me a speed pour that fits with every case I order (or stop advertising so I can free up back bar real estate…)

  • Sam Skaaf says:

    As a Bartender, I’m 43 years old working a union gig, I just got off working an 8 hour shift here in LA….so yeah I agree, and give you a thumbs up.

  • Lillian says:

    I grab the foil and pull the whole thing off the neck, cap and all, without using the tear strip. I figured that out after my first two fillet-o-finger. Personally, working in a town where a majority of wells carry Herradura as the rail tequila, and the amount of bottle smashes and burned wells because of the poorly designed bottle result in a slow of sales in our high-volume market, they need to reconsider. They don’t make any extra $$ on the smashed bottles, it’s usually the one next to it on the rack that gets the extra order.

    If you can’t slide the foil off the neck in it’s entirety, a channel knife works well.

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